I looked upon the photos on my wall,
seeing them all smiling, and laughing, abundant in joy,
and the truth dawned on me like unwelcome sun,
that these moments,
which before I conceived as mine
as earned
as of me
as mine to own
that all of it was sacrificed,
all hard-won,
and i had not the victory,
all borrowed,
and i had only shared it partly,
all inherited,
and that Paul had none of it,
and that Rudmik had it all,
and this truth smarted like fire,
stubborn to resist my finger-tips,
it was awful to see clearly,
that all these objects i had owned,
the photos,
the chairs,
the screens,
all of it paled in this new dawn,
that all of it was given.
so this love i always had,
but had little known,
eclipsed this pride of mine.
and the tags, which wrapped around
each object in my home,
written with Paul
snapped, and broke loose,
and too did my friendships,
my job,
my relationship,
as none of it was earned,
i did not purchase it myself,
not the job,
as my father's skills had helped me find it,
not my friendships,
as my sister's spirit lead me to them,
not my relationship,
as my mother's wisdom had guided us,
(as had my friend's!)
so none of it was mine
and all of it was ours
and so i have received generously,
now perhaps i am readied to give.